Part 1 - 9 basics and beliefs.

You need the basics to really ruin your email program and it just so happens that this is your lucky day. I have compiled a list of 9 essential beliefs or “the basics” to get you started. Dig in and let the downfall begin.

First and foremost, you need to understand that you are the king/queen of email marketing and your program is superior to all other email programs. Subscribers need to understand this and you need to communicate that on a regular and consistent basis.

Second, revenue is king in email.  Don't worry about what the subscriber wants..worry about what your company wants..which is revenue!! Forget about how your subscriber thinks about your company if you send them an email everyday....they are bound to buy something eventually.  Who cares if they opt out as you can just go out and find another subscriber who will LOVE to contribute to the bottom line.

Third, you need to realize that you send email blasts....not communications, not campaigns....but blasts. You tee up lists and blast the folks in hopes of them doing what you want them to do. Who cares if it sounds like you are going to engage in a world war against your subscribers, its just email right? Of course, since your program is the best you should have a near 100% conversion and anything less than that is unacceptable. Blasting people with emails is not really a bad thing to say..heck its not as if I am shooting them, blowing them up or spraying and praying on them right?

Fourth, take all of the best practices you learn about in blogs and white papers etc...print them out and use them as paper airplanes in the office or as starter logs for your fireplace. In fact..why read anything at all that could better your program. Who needs people telling you what to do all the time right? Why invest the time trying to better your program anyway?  Best practices are for losers because your program is the best.

Fifth, people WANT your email. In fact, they are sitting around just waiting to get your latest mail bomb. Who cares what you send them..I mean they signed up for your program and they should be grateful to get what they get. Send them a new email every day if you can which is easy right? Your superhuman and this email thing is easy.

Sixth, hire a loser to run your email bazooka program. A recent study just came out that said 3 monkeys in a lab were able to send out emails and run a program. All they did was put some pictures on a template, push the button, blasto it was sent and the revenue just came pouring in. Can't afford a loser or a monkey, grab Brad or Brenda from the mail room..heck they deal with mail all day long and email and mail sound the same. Don't have a mail room either....tell Suzy or John in the marketing department to handle email from now on. What is one more hat for them to wear right?

Seventh, get an ESP that can send email. Who cares if their UI or support sucks...just make sure that they can tee up your email shots for the cheapest price. Don't forget to chose those ESP's that love to put their logo's on the bottom of each email they send.....that won't bother you since your email program kicks butt and your subscribers won't find that annoying.

The eighth rule is the best. $99 is a heck of a price to pay for 4 million opt in names. Why grow your list organically when you can get 4 million people who have OPT IN to receive YOUR special offer.  Remember this, the bigger your list, the bigger the payoff!!  Revenue is the name of the game baby.  Don't forget to negotiate that free set of steak knives with your order.

Ninth and most importantly...let the CMO or President or someone above you tell you what and how to run your email program. Since monkeys can do this job, who better than someone who has never done or understand email tell you how to run this awesome program you have. Surely their expectations for success will be easily achievable and in fact you be asking them to challenge you within 3 months.

Remember, these are just the basics in how to ruin your email program. In future posts, I will be sure to go into more detail on some really great ways to totally mess it up.

For now..just sit back and relax..your email program is running just fine without you. In fact, take the rest of the day off and forget to QA your weekend email as I bet its perfect anyway.

***The How To Ruin Your Email Marketing Program series was inspired by a book I just finished reading entitled “How to ruin your life” by Ben Stein. Most inspirational books have a way of communicating the same theme with different words and for some crazy reason I was able to draw a lot out of of Ben's book. If you find this sort of post even remotely inspiring, let me know as I will be happy to continue.***

Comments

I love it! Keep it coming - I forwarded it to my boss as a 'not so subtle' way to let him know why we shouldn't be doing some of the things that are suggested to us...

Painfully true and funny at the same time. One thing though - having the ESP logo allows novice spam recipients an easy way to find out who blasted them and report it accordingly. Call it a necessary evil?

Looking forward to part II!
Maybe there is a sister program on how to say "YES! I can create a kick-ass corporate marketing campaign with absolutely no money because there are just so many free tools and social marketing apps out there... and the entire marketing budget had to be sacrificed on the altar of economic downturns."
That might be good...

suckers

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