How to ruin your email marketing program – Part 1

Part 1 – 9 basics and
beliefs.

You
need the basics to really ruin your email program and it just so
happens that this is your lucky day. I have compiled a list of 9
essential beliefs or “the basics” to get you started. Dig in and
let the downfall begin.


First
and foremost, you need to understand that you are the king/queen of
email marketing and your program is superior to all other email
programs. Subscribers need to understand this and you need to
communicate that on a regular and consistent basis.


Second,
revenue is king in email.  Don't worry about what the subscriber
wants..worry about what your company wants..which is revenue!! Forget
about how your subscriber thinks about your company if you send them
an email everyday….they are bound to buy something eventually. 
Who cares if they opt out as you can just go out and find another
subscriber who will LOVE to contribute to the bottom line.


Third,
you need to realize that you send email blasts….not communications,
not campaigns….but blasts. You tee up lists and blast the folks in
hopes of them doing what you want them to do. Who cares if it sounds
like you are going to engage in a world war against your subscribers,
its just email right? Of course, since your program is the best you
should have a near 100% conversion and anything less than that is
unacceptable. Blasting people with emails is not really a bad thing
to say..heck its not as if I am shooting them, blowing them up or
spraying and praying on them right?


Fourth,
take all of the best practices you learn about in blogs and white
papers etc…print them out and use them as paper airplanes in the
office or as starter logs for your fireplace. In fact..why read
anything at all that could better your program. Who needs people
telling you what to do all the time right? Why invest the time trying
to better your program anyway?  Best practices are for losers
because your program is the best.


Fifth,
people WANT your email. In fact, they are sitting around just waiting
to get your latest mail bomb. Who cares what you send them..I mean
they signed up for your program and they should be grateful to get
what they get. Send them a new email every day if you can which is
easy right? Your superhuman and this email thing is easy.


Sixth,
hire a loser to run your email bazooka program. A recent study just
came out that said 3 monkeys in a lab were able to send out emails
and run a program. All they did was put some pictures on a template,
push the button, blasto it was sent and the revenue just came pouring
in. Can't afford a loser or a monkey, grab Brad or Brenda from the
mail room..heck they deal with mail all day long and email and mail
sound the same. Don't have a mail room either….tell Suzy or John in
the marketing department to handle email from now on. What is one
more hat for them to wear right?


Seventh,
get an ESP that can send email. Who cares if their UI or support
sucks…just make sure that they can tee up your email shots for the
cheapest price. Don't forget to chose those ESP's that love to put
their logo's on the bottom of each email they send…..that won't
bother you since your email program kicks butt and your subscribers
won't find that annoying.


The
eighth rule is the best. $99 is a heck of a price to pay for 4
million opt in names. Why grow your list organically when you can get
4 million people who have OPT IN to receive YOUR special offer. 
Remember this, the bigger your list, the bigger the payoff!! 
Revenue is the name of the game baby.  Don't forget to negotiate
that free set of steak knives with your order.


Ninth
and most importantly…let the CMO or President or someone above you
tell you what and how to run your email program. Since monkeys can do
this job, who better than someone who has never done or understand
email tell you how to run this awesome program you have. Surely their
expectations for success will be easily achievable and in fact you be
asking them to challenge you within 3 months.


Remember,
these are just the basics in how to ruin your email program. In
future posts, I will be sure to go into more detail on some really
great ways to totally mess it up.


For
now..just sit back and relax..your email program is running just fine
without you. In fact, take the rest of the day off and forget to QA
your weekend email as I bet its perfect anyway.


***The
How To Ruin Your Email Marketing Program series was inspired by a
book I just finished reading entitled “How
to ruin your life”
by Ben Stein. Most inspirational books have
a way of communicating the same theme with different words and for
some crazy reason I was able to draw a lot out of of Ben's book. If
you find this sort of post even remotely inspiring, let me know as I
will be happy to continue.***

Andrew Kordek

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Trendline Interactive

Chief Strategist and Co-Founder at Trendline Interactive.

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7 Responses to “How to ruin your email marketing program – Part 1”

  1. becky
    September 11, 2009 at 12:45 pm #

    I love it! Keep it coming – I forwarded it to my boss as a 'not so subtle' way to let him know why we shouldn't be doing some of the things that are suggested to us…

  2. Sean
    September 11, 2009 at 5:07 pm #

    Painfully true and funny at the same time. One thing though – having the ESP logo allows novice spam recipients an easy way to find out who blasted them and report it accordingly. Call it a necessary evil?

  3. debbie
    October 9, 2009 at 9:56 am #

    Looking forward to part II!
    Maybe there is a sister program on how to say "YES! I can create a kick-ass corporate marketing campaign with absolutely no money because there are just so many free tools and social marketing apps out there… and the entire marketing budget had to be sacrificed on the altar of economic downturns."
    That might be good…

  4. sean lister
    November 1, 2009 at 1:23 am #

    suckers

  5. Jeff paul news
    November 2, 2009 at 11:25 pm #

    The main purpose of email marketing is the revenues of the company , the innovative trends in internet marketing and email marketing have been experienced by market competitors .

  6. iimiss.com
    December 17, 2009 at 12:34 am #

    Email business and newsletters may be beatific with added aplomb for beneath than a lot of of the competition

  7. Pat Marcello
    September 2, 2010 at 10:37 am #

    This is great! I've never seen so many horrible email marketing tactics in one place. Gotta hire some monkeys. LOL! Thanks for my daily smile.

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