Part 1 – 9 basics and
need the basics to really ruin your email program and it just so
happens that this is your lucky day. I have compiled a list of 9
essential beliefs or “the basics” to get you started. Dig in and
let the downfall begin.
and foremost, you need to understand that you are the king/queen of
email marketing and your program is superior to all other email
programs. Subscribers need to understand this and you need to
communicate that on a regular and consistent basis.
revenue is king in email. Don't worry about what the subscriber
wants..worry about what your company wants..which is revenue!! Forget
about how your subscriber thinks about your company if you send them
an email everyday….they are bound to buy something eventually.
Who cares if they opt out as you can just go out and find another
subscriber who will LOVE to contribute to the bottom line.
you need to realize that you send email blasts….not communications,
not campaigns….but blasts. You tee up lists and blast the folks in
hopes of them doing what you want them to do. Who cares if it sounds
like you are going to engage in a world war against your subscribers,
its just email right? Of course, since your program is the best you
should have a near 100% conversion and anything less than that is
unacceptable. Blasting people with emails is not really a bad thing
to say..heck its not as if I am shooting them, blowing them up or
spraying and praying on them right?
take all of the best practices you learn about in blogs and white
papers etc…print them out and use them as paper airplanes in the
office or as starter logs for your fireplace. In fact..why read
anything at all that could better your program. Who needs people
telling you what to do all the time right? Why invest the time trying
to better your program anyway? Best practices are for losers
because your program is the best.
people WANT your email. In fact, they are sitting around just waiting
to get your latest mail bomb. Who cares what you send them..I mean
they signed up for your program and they should be grateful to get
what they get. Send them a new email every day if you can which is
easy right? Your superhuman and this email thing is easy.
hire a loser to run your email bazooka program. A recent study just
came out that said 3 monkeys in a lab were able to send out emails
and run a program. All they did was put some pictures on a template,
push the button, blasto it was sent and the revenue just came pouring
in. Can't afford a loser or a monkey, grab Brad or Brenda from the
mail room..heck they deal with mail all day long and email and mail
sound the same. Don't have a mail room either….tell Suzy or John in
the marketing department to handle email from now on. What is one
more hat for them to wear right?
get an ESP that can send email. Who cares if their UI or support
sucks…just make sure that they can tee up your email shots for the
cheapest price. Don't forget to chose those ESP's that love to put
their logo's on the bottom of each email they send…..that won't
bother you since your email program kicks butt and your subscribers
won't find that annoying.
eighth rule is the best. $99 is a heck of a price to pay for 4
million opt in names. Why grow your list organically when you can get
4 million people who have OPT IN to receive YOUR special offer.
Remember this, the bigger your list, the bigger the payoff!!
Revenue is the name of the game baby. Don't forget to negotiate
that free set of steak knives with your order.
and most importantly…let the CMO or President or someone above you
tell you what and how to run your email program. Since monkeys can do
this job, who better than someone who has never done or understand
email tell you how to run this awesome program you have. Surely their
expectations for success will be easily achievable and in fact you be
asking them to challenge you within 3 months.
these are just the basics in how to ruin your email program. In
future posts, I will be sure to go into more detail on some really
great ways to totally mess it up.
now..just sit back and relax..your email program is running just fine
without you. In fact, take the rest of the day off and forget to QA
your weekend email as I bet its perfect anyway.
How To Ruin Your Email Marketing Program series was inspired by a
book I just finished reading entitled “How
to ruin your life” by Ben Stein. Most inspirational books have
a way of communicating the same theme with different words and for
some crazy reason I was able to draw a lot out of of Ben's book. If
you find this sort of post even remotely inspiring, let me know as I
will be happy to continue.***